This past weekend Sam and I travelled to an entirely different country to attend a wedding (it was only in Wales mind) and we had a fantastic time. It was the first time that I had met any of the people that were there as the bride was Sam's friend from years back but they were all so lovely and friendly towards me. We had a bit of nightmarish journey involving Sam forgetting to bring her entire outfit (who does that seriously) and therefore we had to endure an impromptu shopping trip which added an hour to our journey but it was well worth it in the end as we danced, we drank, we chatted and we had an absolute hoot.
1. The Token Drunk
Most people will indulge in a substantial amount of alcohol at a wedding but you always get that one guest who maybe takes this to excess- they'll have fallen asleep at least twice throughout the evening and will be found talking to a potted plant by the end of the night. They'll tell all their relatives what they think of them with no fucks given at all until the following morning when they sheepishly attend breakfast, sunglasses in tact, with a hangover that would make even a nun curse.
2. The Emotional Wreck
On one hand you'll get the fabulous single gal at the wedding who oozes confidence and could chat the head of a donkey if she had the chance but then on the other hand you'll get this single gal who is not so much in a chatty mood but a vodka induced rage at all the happy smug couples. The peak of this guest's emotional roller coaster will come when the slow dances begin toward the end of the night at which point the two burly bar men will have to hold her back from bulldozing all those couples having a smooch on the dance floor blissfully singing an out of tune rendition of The way you look tonight in each other's ears.
3. The Buffet Bandit
This guest is a buffet connoisseur, they'll know exactly when the food is being served and what tactic to take to optimise the quantity of food they can consume and the frequency of visits to the table they can execute without raising suspicion. Their plate- filling technique will have been carefully crafted from years of practice at weddings, funerals, barmitzvahs and birthdays and they'll critique the finger food as if they're in a michelin star restaurant. They'll often think fondly of the sausage rolls served at Auntie Moira's 70th birthday in 1997- twas a good year for buffets.
4. The 'John Travolta'
Weddings are the time for this fella to shine. He'll be on that dance floor for the duration of the evening only stopping to pee once but will continue to hum whatever tune the DJ is playing whilst at the urinal. He'll know all the dance moves from the music videos and will perform them completely un-ironically. Even with his back covered in sweat and a needy girlfriend begging him to come chat to her cousin, this moves machine will not leave that dance floor!
5. The Wedding Crasher
At first nobody can figure out who this guest is. They'll have some cock and ball story about how they used to work with the groom a couple of years back but by the end of the night it won't matter because they'll be everyone's best mate buying rounds of shots for the groom and his ushers and copping off with one of the bridesmaids before the night if over.
6. The Cute Grandad
Dressed in all his finery, braces and all, this elderly gent will pull up a seat at the edge of the dance floor and watch with a fond little smile at his extended family having fun. He'll get to his feet once or twice to dance to a golden oldie and will treat himself to a couple of ales as it's a special occasion. Guaranteed to make your heart melt.
7. The 'Stress Head'
Usually the head bridesmaid or the best man, this guest will be moving at the speed of sound throughout the evening making sure that everything is in order. They won't have eaten since 8am that morning and will be surviving on the pure adrenaline of fearing that they'll fail at their duties as the bride or groom's right hand (wo)man. They'll crash and burn around 11pm in which instance they'll be force fed stale sandwiches from the buffet and copious shots of tequila to help them finish the night off.
8. The Horny Usher
This fella will revel in a day spent in a snappy suit and will often be found flirting with the middle aged female guests as he shows them their seats complete with a cheeky wink and a corny line about being too old to be someone's mum ('surely you're only her sister ay?'). As the day turns into evening this fella will start eyeing up the evening guests waiting for some hot tottie to come through the door to try and woo.
9. The hyperactive ring bearer/ flower girl
Looking adorable in their miniature suit/ dress this wee guest is usually a niece or nephew of the bride or groom and will be found skidding along the dance floor, chasing around the balloons and making all the relatives laugh with their version of Gangnam Style. Having had far too much fizzy pop during the day, this little chum will be asleep under the table by 9pm.
10. The wannabe Royal
This lady will be dressed like she's going to Ascot with a hat so large that it comes with it's own gravitational field. She'll quietly reside on the edge of the dance floor keeping her act of dignified gracefulness up for the majority of the evening until she's had one too many Proseccos and proceeds to do the entire routine to Christina's Dirrrrty complete with slut drop to the floor (at which point she shows everyone the crown jewels) and by midnight she'll be found being suitably wooed by wedding guest no. 8.
Hello and welcome to This Ruth Is On Fire, a UK blog which is a haven for random thoughts and sarcastic observations.
I'm also into books, clothes and visiting places too.
