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Whatever it is, it's something that consumes you, it's been lingering in your mind for years and years and you're just waiting for your big break to make it happen.
The first step in this process is doing the things that you need to do to make it happen (e.g. apply for the job, sign up for the training course, save your money, go to the audition) and that is seemingly the easy part.
The second step however is believing that you can do it and this is A LOT more difficult to do. Your initial confidence about your abilities is replaced by crippling self- doubt in which you mentally list the following:
-All the things that could go wrong
-All the reasons as to why other people would be much better at it than you
-All the people that will mock you when you inevitably fail
And so the spiral into anxiety and diminishing self- worth begins again, so much so that you want to give it all up and wait for a more 'suitable opportunity', but here lies the problem my friend- there will never be the perfect time to do something and you'll find yourself waiting and waiting and years will pass, decades maybe, but that longing for that thing will still be there.
I am THE WORST for talking myself out of things. I'm also the type of person that feels like they have to apologise for their inadequacies all the time. I compare myself to others constantly. I am also a human being with flaws and feelings and I am learning this slowly but surely.
I don't have all the answers and I am not supposed to either. As I get older I realise that often the super confident people that I felt so intimidated by over the past decade were either putting on a front to disguise their own insecurities or were just really good at blagging life and making it seem like they knew all the answers.
Take for instance this blog. I wanted to start a blog for years and years and years like wayyyyy back in '09 when blogging was THE thing to do but I never did. I was too scared. I felt like people would mock my writing and scoff at my silly little think pieces (such as this one) and would have absolutely no interest in what I got up to and chose to write about. That is most likely the case but now I know that writing these silly blog posts a couple of times a week really does make me happy and that is all that really matters. It's an outlet to voice my opinion, even if no one cares, and its a tool to keep my mind from turning to mush.
I want to start to write a lot more now. In an ideal world I would like to get paid for it too. I would like to go places and see things and write about them and have people take notice. It's what has been lingering in my psyche since I was in my late teens and really fell in love with words but I've always been too scared to pursue it.
I'm still scared now to fully immerse myself in this goal. I know that I put commas in the wrong places, I know that I am quite sensitive and would struggle with rejection, I know that I am not a particularly ruthless person and would maybe struggle when competing with larger personalities than my own but these are things that I am working on.
Recently however this fear is shifting somewhat; initially it was a fear of going for these dreams and now it is turning into a fear of never going for these dreams and watching every opportunity pass me by. Of reaching an age where I don't have the freedom that I do now and regrettably looking back at all the things that I could have done when I had the chance and that scares me far more than rejection, more than being mocked, more than falling flat on my face.
Hello and welcome to This Ruth Is On Fire, a UK blog which is a haven for random thoughts and sarcastic observations.
I'm also into books, clothes and visiting places too.
