So come join me through this memoir of mishaps, this biography of blunders, this commentary of cock ups and have a right laugh at my expense. Enjoy.
The time that I worked in an apple pack house in NZ for a while which was horrendously dull but we all tried to make it as fun as possible by making up stupid games and dancing to the radio. Fellow employees mainly consisted of backpackers, a few local people and migrant workers from India and China. One day as I went to scoop up the trays and place them in the corresponding delivery box, I got my fingers caught under the belt. As the belt continued to move, my poor fingers got more and more squished so I did what anybody in that situation would do and screamed at the lady at the other end to press the big red emergency stop button. Trouble was, this lady was wearing headphones (secretly may I add) and couldn't hear me and seemingly neither could anyone else over the machinery so I had to get her attention another way...so I kicked her...I kicked her proper hard on the arse at which point she looked up with daggers at whoever had decided that kicking her was a good idea. She took her head phones out and stared at me blankly, great I had her attention, trouble was that this lady was Chinese and didn't speak any English whatsoever. Seemingly the sight of my fingers trapped under the belt and me screaming "TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF" didn't evoke much urgency and she continue to look on rather bemused. Luckily a team leader caught onto what was happening and slammed on the emergency stop button asap at which point the entire warehouse fell silent and all eyes were on the dumb Pommie girl who managed to almost decapitate her fingers. I proceeded to pull said fingers out from under the belt, go out for a 'spot of fresh air' and sit with my head between my legs whilst I tried to not add fainting to my already embarrassing morning at work.
The time when (and this is not one of my proudest moments) I was at the same call centre above, aged 18, and started my shift at 7am in a comatose state of extreme hangover. I had managed to play OK for approximately 12 minutes before I went really hot, and salivary and someone walked past with a bacon sandwich which led me to pretend to tie up my shoe and unceremoniously vomit in the bin under my desk. My friend Sophie walked into the office due to start her shift at 7:30 am only to find a very grey looking Ruth who had been sent home a mere 17 minutes after entering the building.
The time when I tried to stack the Stand Up Paddle boards in the rack out the back of the surf shop in NZ and clearly had done a shoddy job. When I went to pad lock the chain across them it seems that gravity took its toll on the boards and I had 4x 10-11ft fibreglass SUPs raining down on me. I tried to catch one first and then stop the second with my food *cue bruising on foot*, the third one fell dangerously close to the lady's car from the posh clothing shop next door and by the time the fourth one fell I was totally screwed. Surprisingly this incident didn't go unnoticed and the chef from the Indian takeaway two doors down, who was having a cigarette out the back and was about 4ft tall, tried to help me pick them up before my boss heard what damage I'd done to these $1000 boards.
The time when I thought the same surf shop was empty on what was a rather slow Wednesday afternoon and therefore decided to practice my skateboarding skills around the store. It turns out however that I have no skateboarding skills whatsoever and I stacked it completely, fell into a display of sunglasses only to remember that someone was trying on t-shirts in the changing room whom I had to then serve with what was emerging to be a rather fat lip.
Beauty/ Hair:
The time when I asked the hairdresser to dye my hair platinum blonde, almost white a la Agyness Deyn, to which she proceeded to dye it a specific shade of yellow which solely belongs to such things as daffodils, Simpsons characters and a cheesy pizza and not to the head of an adolescent girl. She told me that it was my hair type (which was total bollocks because I got it fixed two days later at a different hairdresser) and thus I spent the next 48 hours uncontrollably sobbing and moping around my house.
The time I was given the sound advice of using hair removal cream to tidy up my eyebrows because it was so much easier and quicker than plucking but was not informed on how long to keep the cream on. Turns out its a lot less time than when you do your bikini line and I was left with an angry looking, red unibrow that went on to blister and made even the most simple of facial gestures a chore.
The time when I slipped whilst shaving my legs in the hostel showers in 2007 on my first trip to Oz, took a chunk out of my ankle and made the communal showers look like a murder scene. Think the part in The Shining when the blood comes rushing down the corridor and you'll know what I mean.
Travel:
The time when I was on a busy train and the electronic reservation system had stopped working. Those of us that got on at the first stop were informed of this and were told to sit anywhere. Those that got on at subsequent later stops were not informed of this so there was lots of disgruntled "excuse me you're in my seat" type convos occurring in which the seated would have to explain to the stander that there was a sit anywhere policy happening. By about the fourth stop I was getting a bit agitated so when the train came to a stand still at somewhere just outside The Midlands, the familiar 'doors opening' was announced over the tannoy and the inevitable 'you're in my seat' was said to me, I barely looked up before telling a grumpy sounding woman the situ re: the failed reservation system. Then I had a split second of absolute horror when I realised that said woman was with a child...a disabled child...a child with cerebral palsy...and as I went to apologise and offer my seat as any decent human would it was simply too late. She had already announced to the entire carriage that I was a monster that wouldn't give my seat up for a disabled child and I spent the rest of the journey avoiding death stares from fellow passengers and asking Sam to confirm that I wasn't an awful person.
Misc:
The multiple times that Ive gone to pay for something only to find myself flinging a tampon at the poor recipient in some seemingly feminist attack on female oppression via the form of lady torpedos.
The time when a bird shat in my hair at the Tower of London and I was really hangry and I shouted at a woman who walked past and laughed at me.
The time when I was really trying to impress Sam when I first met her, told a funny joke and then upon laughing at my own funniness proceeded to blow a huuuuuuuge snot bubble thus removing any 'game' that I thought I had.
The time when I responded to what I thought was a friend asking 'how are you?' from the next toilet cubicle and it turned out to be a stranger talking on the phone.
The time when a girl dislocated her knee cap whilst trying to get out of a swimming pool and half the people round the pool rushed to her aid and half rushed to mine as I started to pass out whilst in the middle of the deep end.
Hello and welcome to This Ruth Is On Fire, a UK blog which is a haven for random thoughts and sarcastic observations.
I'm also into books, clothes and visiting places too.
