2. The flashy sales guy: This fella will be the proud owner of an Audi (check out this blog I wrote previously about Audi drivers), he'll be wearing a snappy suit with a combover hairstyle that looks like its come straight from the set of The Jersey Boys and will make the menopausal women of the office giggle like school girls when he calls them 'hunny' or 'darling' as he struts past them leaving a haze of Tommy Hilfiger cologne in his wake.
3. The Seagull: Nobody quite knows what this employee actually does at the company, you'll sometimes see him loitering around the canteen or pass him in the corridor but you've never been able to pin down his exact purpose. You will always see him however when it's someone's birthday/ last day/ baby shower because this trained professional can smell out a buffet within a 10 mile radius! He'll be found hovering around the outskirts of the group whilst the speeches are being made, he'll have his eyes on the prize, and once the niceties are over he'll be in the optimum position to load up his paper plate to his heart's content with sausage rolls and vol-au- vents before making a swift exit to get back to...whatever it is that he does.
4. The stoner: This dude works with computers, numbers or money but definitely not with people as 99.9% of the time he is high as a kite at work. The bigwigs don't notice that he's eaten 4 cheeseburgers for breakfast or that he's eyes start to resemble Mr Miagi's by noon because they'll just think of him as the quirky, quiet guy tucked away in the office down the corridor. He will definitely be a heavy metal fan and will have created his own menagerie of plastic cartoon figurines on his desk. He originally had plans to write Anime comics or work for Nintendo but then found marijuana at around 16 years old and hasn't moved out of his parent's house since. If you can't find this guy in his pokey little office he can be found in the staff kitchen, staring blankly at the microwave waiting for his super smelly instant noodles to cook.
5. The young female who has definitely used her
6. The 'you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps': Known as the 'wacky' one of the office, this lady will always be one for dressing up as a penguin for charity events or taking kerrraaazzzzy photos for the monthly bulletin. On the whole a very sweet person with good intentions but is inhumanely perky on a Monday morning in which her tales of helping out at the church fete at the weekend will fall on deaf ears as you try to piece together your life after an unplanned Sunday afternoon sesh in the beer garden the previous day.
7. The wallflower with the dark side: This young female will be slightly on the introverted side of the personality spectrum, she'll have cute photos of her boyfriend who she's been with since they were 12 on her desk next to a potted plant and a mug with squirrels on it and those that haven't worked there long will comment on how sweet she is. Those in the know however will give each other a sideways look, lower their voices and will proceed to tell you about the time when someone kept taking her stapler from her draw without asking and she LOST...HER...SHIT. After months of passive, aggressive all staff emails reminding staff of the sanctity of her desk drawer she had had enough and like a bull to a red flag she went freaking mental! Oh and lets not forget the time at the Christmas party when she'd had a few too many sherbets and ended up dancing to Christina's Dirrrty on the CEO's new mahogany desk!!
8. The 'anything you can do I can do better': Broke your leg did you? This employee broke both their legs and their pelvis at the weekend. Stressed? Busy? Running out of time? This employee has less time but more stress than you will ever have apparently and yet still has ample time to discuss in detail how busy they really are. Done a fun run at the weekend did you? That's nice. This employee did 2 fun runs, a triathlon and a charity rugby match all with time to spare. Just nod, smile and walk away from this one.
9. The hot mess-This young female is the type to turn up hungover on a Thursday morning- like seriously, where was open late enough on a Wednesday night to warrant her coming into the office looking like a lady of the night and smelling like a piss stained, tramp who just finished a bottle of white lightening for brekkie?! She's had at least 2 emotional breakdowns over the past couple of months and had to sit in the HR office last week to calm down after she was found crying into the photo copier when the paper got jammed. She got drunk at last year's Christmas party and told her colleagues what she really thought of them (Shirley in Payroll has never forgiven her for saying that she looks like Michelle McManus 2 years ago).
10. Your 'work' best mate- This person really is the bees knees. They roll their eyes along with you at the employees listed above, they send you funny emails and shoot you sideways smirks when somebody says something unintentionally funny/ rude in a meeting. You've taken to developing your own secret language in the work place complete with funny nicknames for your fellow colleagues and code words to use when wanting to get out of meetings in order to stay sane.
Hello and welcome to This Ruth Is On Fire, a UK blog which is a haven for random thoughts and sarcastic observations.
I'm also into books, clothes and visiting places too.
Ha Ha, I love this post! These are so true.
ReplyDeleteEve xo
http://anorganisedscatterbrain.blogspot.co.uk/
Haha thanks Eve! All meant in jest of course :-p X
Delete