Various line ups are being announced every week at the moment and so in order to help you make your choice as to which event you will sit hitting your refresh button on your laptop for an hour straight to buy tickets for, I have compiled a list of the ultimate annoying festival goers that you will find in the UK and which festival they will most likely be attending...all in jest of course:
1. The Topshop Tottie- This female will have her default outfits planned for months in advance thanks to the recent 'festival by numbers' outfit planner that last month's Cosmo kindly provided. Think TOWIE meets a faux rock star swag and you'll understand the key demographic that I'm talking about, the camping area will have been transformed into a temporary tanning salon complete with profound conversation and gossip about how fit Channing Tatum is. The line up really isn't relevant because this group will not be joining the crowds by the front of the stage for fear of sweating, getting pushed or genuinely enjoying themselves.
Usually found at: V Festival, Summertime ball, British Summer Time
2. The Dance/ Trance raver- This specimen has been lost in a time warp since the 90s, he will be a chemical enthusiast who is still deciding to 'choose life' a la Trainspotting instead of conforming to the mainstream and will still be going on about how good The Prodigy were in '95 in which he danced for four days straight and lost the ability to blink. The attire will not have changed from the plaid shorts and retro sports zip up combo but a cheap fedora and an 'approaching middle aged' beer gut will have been added since.
Usually found at: Creamfields
3. The pasty fella with the quirky facial hair- Will usually be found watching the up and coming folk artist who plays the sitar in the 'alternative' tent (which is usually borrowed from one of the tech guys' uncles and is not in fact an official stage). Choosing to keep their festival belongings, which include a retro camera, granola bar and book on Chaucer, in a WWF or Amnesty tote bag this festival goer will post instagram photos constantly and humble brag about meeting the cousin of Kate Bush by the organic falafel food stand.
Usually found at: London Day Festivals- Lovebox, Field Day, Secret Garden Party
4. The 'Cher Lloyd'- This young lady will have left the suburbs for the day wearing her new Jordans and gold hoops and will definitely not have forgotten to put on her rude gal swag. She will most likely be found 'putting her diamonds in the sky' or bouncing her hands to Drizzy and will throw her best shade at anybody who dares to step in her path or block her view to the main stage.
Usually found at: Wireless
5. The small town L.A.D- This fella will be found snorting blow to some obscure house DJ wearing a vest that would look more at home in Muscle Beach in Venice than a muddy field in The Midlands. He would have been found listening to the Arctic Monkeys about 5 years ago but has since discovered protein shakes, tanning beds and generic 'google page 1' tattoos of gypsy women and sugar skulls.
Usually found at: Global Gathering
6. The Obvious First- Timers- Will be passed out drunk covered in their own piss by 5pm on the first day, will have had their tent destroyed and cool box stolen by the following morning and will be out of the game with sunstroke by the time the final evening is over. Usually found shouting 'Lets be having it' at the top of their voice and dressed in some "hilarious" fancy dress such as a banana or a wacky Borat mankini.
Usually found at: Reading Festival
7. The middle class 'festivahhhl' goer- The ultimate Hettie, Izzy and Hugo on tour crew found being 'just totally random' by the jazz tent with flower headband in place and craft beer in hand.
Usually found at: Latitude Festival
8. The Older Hippie Couple- These two festival goers will have fond nostalgia for the time that they saw Hendrix play the Star Spangled Banner and had orgies with other couples to get free mushrooms back in the day and although they will still look like Sonny and Cher they will most likely be found heading back to their suped out camper van after the festival for a pot of green tea and a vegetable samosa.
Usually found at: Glastonbury
Hello and welcome to This Ruth Is On Fire, a UK blog which is a haven for random thoughts and sarcastic observations.
I'm also into books, clothes and visiting places too.
